Jordan Brock

After a horrid nights sleep, due to this flu that I had, we both decided that we couldn’t face sleeping in the ice hotel tonight, and would far prefer to stay in our cosy little chalet. It’s not the cold so much, but the fact that because the hotel is open to the public during the day, you can’t go to your room until about 7 o’clock, which means you’re stuck walking around for about 8 hours after checking out of the chalet. And of course, a cold snap hit today, and it’s -10C. Not the weather for walking around with a flu.

Flu or no flu, however, very little was going to be keeping us away from the husky rides. We had seen them taking off over the past couple of days and so we were quite keen to have a go ourselves. We got down to the river pretty early, so we could watch them harnessing up. The dogs are transported in these little cages, and are taken out one by one and hooked up to the sled. The whole time they are barking and jumping around like crazy because all they want to do is run, and they can’t handle the wait. Erik, our heavily bearded guide, said that once they are all hooked up, you have to go pretty quickly because if they aren’t running, they start taking it out on the other dog next to them in the line.

So we climbed on, and off we went in a flurry of ice, dog crap and snow. Because they are working dogs, they are quite adept at running along at 20Kph and going to the toilet. Thankfully Caren and I were at the back of the sled for the first stage, so it was an english couple in front of us who bore the bulk of the assault. (And because they are fed 1 kilo of meat and dried fruits a day, it’s not a pretty sight.)

But apart from that, it was one of the best things that we’ve done. The dogs are just so happy to be running, that nothing else is an issue for them. If we stop, they just want to start again. Apparently they can pull 1000Kg for 60-80 kilometres a day. So they are pretty fit dogs.

Even though it was -10C, Erik said that it was probably too warm for them today. They have a really thick coat, with multiple layers, and prefer running in -40C to -20C. As they are running along, they occasionally bend down and grab a mouthful of snow .. kind of like a drink on the run.

We stopped for a coffee and some cake at a camp on the lake shore and all of the dogs started rolling around in the snow, just to cool down a little. We sat and had a chat to our guides about the dogs. They obviously love the dogs, but they are working animals, so they need to treat them accordingly, and never forget the basis of the relationship. Still, the dogs are well looked after, and get to run to their hearts content.

So the day has finally arrived. We didn’t have any activities planned, other than the wedding itself, so it was a pretty quiet day until a quick flurry of activity towards the end.

We went for a walk across the river in the morning, and watched the swedish army doing parachute practice onto the frozen river. Not quite what you see everyday, so it was pretty interesting. After dropping four lots of chutists, the plane did a very low fly by over the lake (about 10 metres or so), before flying off to pick up another bunch of human drop bunnies.

It was quite “warm” today .. just 0C. Walking around in the overalls that the hotel supplies was actually quite a hot activity, and the temptation is there to take half of the gear off. Until of course you realise that it’s 0C, and that just ain’t anything other than cold.

So, eventually it was time to start getting ready. After a bit of a nervous wait, the photographer turned up to have a quick chat before he went and set up. Then the priest, who doesn’t speak a word of english, arrived at our chalet to say hello. He left, and we followed off to the ice church a few minutes later.

As we walked to the church, there were lots of people stopping and staring at us, taking photos, with one couple even asking if they could watch the ceremony. We told them they could, but they would have to wait until the very end until they left … something they weren’t too keen on.

We got to the church, and from then on it was pretty much a normal wedding. Apart from the fact it was in a church made entirely of ice, it was -9C and that the ceremony was in Swedish. We did attempt to sing the hymn in Swedish, but of course, not knowing the melody and not knowing how to pronounce any of the words it was a little difficult.

We had a translator for the ceremony, which was good, because otherwise we wouldn’t have had a clue what was going on. And it was also handy having another person there to help with the singing.

The ceremony lasted for about 15 minutes, after which we had about an hour with the photographer, taking shots in the church, under the ice chandelier, and in the Absolut Ice Bar. We had a couple of “colourful” drinks for some photos, and then it was all over. We came back to the chalet to warm up a bit before dinner at the restaurant.

I had been nursing a flu all day, and it was about now that it decided to hit with a vengeance. It could have had something to do with the fact that I was wearing a thin summer suit in sub zero temperatures but I just don’t know. And Caren, being Caren, was pretty tired. So neither of us really felt too up to going to the restaurant. But we did.

It was pretty good, however, the pricing is just ridiculous. I know I harp on about it a bit, but I paid about $50 for a small bit of reindeer (which was very nice, but still) and Caren had a $40 piece of salmon. We’ve worked out that if you want to have a really good holiday in Sweden, you’d need about $1000 a day for food and accommodation. Unfortunately, our budget doesn’t run quite that high.

Due to the aforementioned flu and tiredness, we had a quick main, and then it was off to bed. Husky rides tomorrow!

After a 10 minute bus trip that cost $30, we finally made it to the Ice Hotel. A collection of small chalets/huts, surrounding the Ice Hotel proper, it is set on the shores of a lake, which of course is pretty much frozen solid. Well, to a depth of 1 metre at least. And it’s easily 1Km wide and 5 Km long, so it’s pretty impressive.

The Ice Hotel is colder inside than out during the day. It’s been about 0C as a maximum for the past few days. And inside the hotel is -5C. We had a peek around … it’s open to the public until 6pm, when the guests can move in. Pretty spectacular let me tell you. Lots of little rooms, which are nothing more than an ice cube with a bed in it (cheapest). Then there are Ice Suites, which area themed rooms, with various ice sculptures and weird shaped beds. For example, there are Viking ship beds being pulled along by ice dogs, a MacBeth themed room, complete with ice statues of Lady MacBeth and the witches carved into the wall and a fertility room, with sperm carved into the wall, swimming around the edge of the room towards a whopping great egg above the bed. Talk about pressure.

We are in a chalet for the first two nights. Very cosy, a stereotypical swede hut. Lots of pine on the walls, pine furniture, pine sinks .. you get the picture. Thankfully there are heaps of heaters. Up to 2 per room, which is very nice when you come back inside after a night haring through the forests on a snowmobile.

Speaking of which, last night we went on a Snowmobile ride. You might think they look fun, but let me tell you they’re damn hot fun. At first they are quite tricky to get the hang of, particularly at slower speeds. But once you get to open them up a little, sweeeeet.

We rode through the forest for about 30 minutes until we arrived at some little huts where we were going to have dinner. Thankfully they had a lovely fire going inside, where the guides were cooking moose goulash and salmon sandwiches. Very tasty. Moose is pretty damn good. Along with some LingonBerry juice, which is a native wild berry from around here that the local Sami (reindeer farmers) drink. Also tasty.

After dinner, we came back to the Ice Hotel via the river, which meant we got a chance to crank up the snowmobiles. Huge fun, flying along at around 70-80kmh in the dark, along a frozen river bed. Needless to say, Caren didn’t think it was as much fun as I did, but I was the one driving, so “Hah”. I’d love to do it again, but it’s about $400 a person, so I don’t think that’s going to happen.

When we got back to the hotel, we went to the ice bar, and had a couple of drinks in ice glasses. As you could expect, this is more of a novelty than anything. Of course, if you aren’t wearing your gloves then it sticks to your hand. It’s -9C inside the bar, which either encourages you to drink faster to have more drinks, or drink faster to get out.

After a few rounds, we walked outside and saw a greenish cloud, slightly swirling. We weren’t sure if it was the Aurora or not, but all of a sudden it exploded in a blaze of greens and blues, flying all over the sky. Quite amazing. Then after a burst of activity, it seemed to spread out across the whole sky, and just slowly fade in and out.

We also had a run through of the wedding ceremony with the “Wedding Organiser” here. Should be interesting. There will be an interpreter … and apparently we have to sing a swedish hymn, which neither of us are too thrilled about.

Sitting in a cafe in the train station at Narvik, Norway and onto the radio pops Boy George singing “Do you really want to hurt me?”. Well, given the type of manly man that walks and works around Narvik I would hazard a guess that if Boy George turned up he would know the answer to that question within about 2 minutes. A tough looking town.

Primarily a port for the iron ore trains from the interior of Scandinavia, there’s not a lot to Narvik. Except for the Fjord of course. Stupendous views of mountains crashing down to the sea. The cold, cold sea. And wind as well. Damn cold wind. The weather was quite grey today, but despite that it’s pretty specatular.

The best thing about Narvik is probably the train ride there (and by extension the train ride out is pretty damn good as well). Plunging cliffs, massive snow drifts, people zipping around on snow mobiles, reindeer tracks (a lack of reindeer though), and the occasional half frozen river.

The swedes have a reputation for being fairly a no nonsense, slightly plain people. Judging from their Saturday night television, there’s probably nothing wrong with that reputation. First up last night was a game show with two teams, each sitting at a piano, where it appeared that all they had to do to win was to sing a bunch of songs. To some fat bald guy who was hosting the show. Then after that was one of the more interesting television shows I have ever seen. Bingo. That’s right, Bingo. Approximately 2 hours of people playing bingo in a television studio. With an audience watching (but not playing!). Granted, the prize money (from what I could work out) was about $200,000 so I suppose there’s nothing wrong with playing bingo. But do they really have to televise it?

Interspersing the Bingo frivolity was a lot of ads for satellite TV, spruiking the benefits of 24 hour channels, continuous sports and what looked to be rather racy movies about pool cleaners and window washers. I suppose that they were working on the principle that anyone desparate enought to watch two hours of Bingo on a Saturday night is the right kind of person to make a snap decision about satellite TV (says he who A: has satellite TV and B: was watching Bingo on a Saturday night.)

Not that there is much else to do in Kiruna on a Saturday night. We couldn’t find any pubs while we were walking around, and any restaurant is likely to charge you a figure set to remedy a foreign trade defecit for a small bowl of pasta, so watching other people play bingo isn’t such a bad way to spend the night.

We’re off to the ice hotel tomorrow. Husky rides, late night snow mobile rides to look at the Northern Lights, beds made of ice, vodka served in glasses made of ice and of course a wedding in a church made of ice. Hopefully, I’ll have something to write about.

Oh yeah, I finally saw an ugly swede. I think that she must act as a sinkhole for all the ugliness in the country. It looks like the police gave her a Rodney King style beating with a branch from the ugly tree. Poor woman.

After a long day walking around being dumbfounded by the attractive city of Stockholm, we made our way out to Stockholm Airport (courtesy of a $100 taxi ride thank you very much!!!). We got our seats on a very full plane (a truckload of Japanese tourists on an “Adventure Holiday” and a lot of Swedes going home for the weekend) for Kiruna, above the Artic Circle.

Arriving at Kiruna the captain said that the ground temperature was -2C. The lady checking us into our hotel said “That’s not cold. 2 weeks ago it was -35C!” This only made us glad that we weren’t here 2 weeks ago.

After a marvellous sleep in a toasty warm room atop a block like hotel/hostel, we woke up for our first glimpse of Kiruna. A fairly plain mining town (there’s an enormous mine on the other side of town … apparently the deepest iron ore mine in the world), made spectacular by two feet of snow covering everything. Snow, it seems, has a marvellous propensity to hide everything and make it all look pristine. Of course, the remnants of dogs visiting the park tends to break up the marvellous white landscape, but there’s not a great deal you can do about that I suppose … just hope for more snow.

We set off walking into the town centre. After walking through the town centre in all of 2 minutes, we hoofed it down towards a large lake … frozen solid of course. On the way we got sidetracked by the sight of a hundred or so skiers flying down a mountain. Having worked out way up the hill, it turned out that it was a saturday morning ski carnival for school kids. Just like a little athletics meet, or a swimming carnival, there was a multitude of brightly clad kids haring around the mountain. All of them were exhibiting phenomenal skills with a large number of 8 year olds almost airborne down the mountain without any ski poles. Caren and I tried to come up with some Australian/American skill that we could do inately, but stopped short. I suppose that comes from not being overly athletic.

With not a lot to do in Kiruna except walk around, waiting for the day to go out to the ice hotel, trying to save some money to make up for horrendously overpriced cab rides in Stockholm, we have decided to catch the train across to Narvik in Norway tomorrow. Apparently the scenery is quite magnificent, what with the fjords and the like. A three hour train ride there and back, but probably more interesting than walking around a mining town.

So, we were wandering around relatively aimlessly today, when it slowly began to dawn on us that there was something wrong with the crowds of people in Stockholm. It took us a while, but then we realised what was bugging us. There are no ugly people in this city. Not one. Well, maybe one now that I’m here, but otherwise not a skerrick of ugliness to be found.

Shop assistants, people on the street, coffee shop workers: hell, even the homeless people (all three of them) are at worst plain looking. It’s very strange. Kind of like walking around with no one but Stepford children to be seen. (And yes, a large number of them are blonde … and some even have pigtails.) One other thing to note: lot’s of mullets (the haircuts that is … not the fish), so all of you who doubted me when I said the mullet is back (namely you Dave) I say “Hah”

Other than be flabbergasted at the all round gorgeousness of the population, we’ve been astounded and quite often astounded and amazed at how beautiful the buildings and the city itself is. I suppose that it’s only right that the scenery is attractive: to have beautiful people in a concrete block wonderland just wouldn’t be right. Wonderful old buildings, funky new ones, museums that could be just exhibit the buildings themselves and a stunning river through the middle of it all make a stunning city.

Speaking of the river, we walked across it today. Without a bridge. It has frozen solid in parts, and we strolled across a stretch of about 800 metres. Quite exhilarating, particularly when Caren walked across a bit and a crack was heard. Made us walk a bit faster I can tell you.

We also think we’ve solved the mystery of the babies as well. As some of you may know, Sweden is quite a socialist state: lots of government payments, support networks etc etc. (Massive tax rates as well, but I suppose you have to expect that.) So, it appears that new mothers get a fair whack of cash for having the baby (probably not as a lump sum, but you never know!), which allows them to stay at home and raise the kid. Of course, they don’t stay at home. They all seem to do nothing apart from walk around with the kids looking dangerously cute in beanies and mittens in particularly expensive looking prams.

I suppose that’s all that’s happened today. Oh, we went to the National Museum. Which was nice. Lot’s of cool industrial design stuff, including the funkiest damn microwave you’ve ever seen. Of course, it was made in 1964 so it probably cooked your brain while it was defrosting the chicken, but at least it added that bit of class to your kitchen. I’d show you a photo, but we weren’t allowed to take a camera in.

Speaking of photos, I don’t think I’ll be able to upload any until Philadelphia next weekend. Not many of the internet cafe’s seem particularly keen on me loading photos onto their computers. So, that may just have to wait.

That’s it. And just because I can, here’s some more of those whacky Swedish characters: ?, ?. heheheh.

Well, after a monumental collection of flights, changes and coffees in British Airways Business Lounges, we have arrived in Stockholm. Damn it’s cold.

The “quaint” boat hostel that looked ever so nice on it’s web site, has turned out to not be quite as advertised. A room the size of somewhere you’d put your vacuum, and communal showers. I suppose that’s part of being in Sweden. So, we are on our way to the visitors centre to look for something better for when we come back from Kiruna.

Stockholm is magnificent. Very clean and utilitarian, with an astounding preponderance of women walking babys in prams. We walked for 10 minutes and probably saw 25 separate prams. Babies all rugged up in bundling clothes. There must be some government grant promoting vigorous procreation.

Using a swedish keyboard is a herculean task, so after I leave you with some choice characters, it’s goodbye from us.